If you ask hows my raya, I probably answered as simple as "Just nice."
Because it is!
I don't remember the last time I really enjoy my raya, went kampung one week earlier than raya, braiding (anyam) ((wait is it a right term)) (((gosh! Whatever))) ketupat , joking around with the long distance relatives that I dont even have any idea that they even exist, sharing each other experiences, playing around with fire crackers, sahur together, preparing for iftar together, waking up super early in the morning of raya for the sake of toilet , well you know that kampung usually only providing one toilet for all and yeah we all have to compete among each other on who first can use the toilet and lastly the havocness of the night before raya.
As for me, that is raya.
But my raya for this several years only consisting me, waiting for food to get done, tweeting while waiting for the boys got back from raya prayer, watching tv, eating, duit raya and daaa my raya is freaking done.
Whilst the night before raya just me again, deciding on what to wear and what to put on my face (makeup), what should i do to my hair and should i sleep now question. No fun. No havocness.
As when the relatives came to beraya, what they/we done were
3. Having a quick chat.
4. Holding a phone.
5. Asking for wifi password
Everyones sinking into their own life through an electric gadget. Being antisocial. No literal communications. It was boring.
This is how technology ruin our lives. How technology controls us. How technology fooled us.
Havent they/we realized?
Of course they/we were.
But what about actions?
Obviously no actions taken.
Questioning , what can i do instead? I've tried to talk to him/her but s/he enjoyed the gadgets company than mine.
I feel like I already lost. Lost in a game I never wanted to take part in. Lost in a game I was forced to play. Lost in a game I have no other option except for keep playing even when I'm dying and hopeless. Lost in a game which is a mandatory for me.
The game I meant is the game of life.
I feel like I already lost all the qualities of human beings. Used to be a hard work girl, eventually in the midst of continuing this game , she lost the tempo. Used to be a cute and adorable child, who can predict that this cute little girl would grow up and be an unattractive woman. Used to saved a lot of money, never once in anyone's mind, this girl would be such a broke teenager who could spend every single penny of her money buying things she never needs for her entire life. Used to be polite and likeable, now she's annoying, inappropriate, rebellion, talk whatever she wants without thinking on others feelings, simple-minded and many many negative qualities rely on her.
The girl who used to be so sweet now changed 360 degrees from who she used to be.
Biggest question now , whose fault that took this little sugar sweet girl and replace her with this misery creation?
Should the mom we blamed because she didnt guide her throughout the journey she went through? Or maybe the dad, as he never care on what her little daughter did because all he did are spoiling this girl by following all her ridiculous demands and unlogic instincts?
If not them, who should we blame?
Sometimes, all I wanted is living life with this motto;
"I had nothing to lose, nothing to find, my life was just a series of moments wasting away"
Live life without holding any responsibilities, live life without purposes, live life like no matters, no ambition, live life like a bird. All that matters are spreading wings. Fly freely, fly nowhere. Fly , fly and fly. How simple life could be.
I woke up with something disturbing my mind since for ever.
I woke up with the flashbacks when i vowed to myself to keep playing this game of life. Woke up with the vowed i made to not lose because I was born as a winner. Flashbacks of me swearing with myself even when i feel like giving up, i will still continue this game by hitting the button 'try again'. Still fresh in my memories the day when i was impressed of the Japan proverb sounded "Fall down seven times, stand up eight" and whispered to myself to take this proverb as a recipe; recipe to achieve my dream. That time, the dream that I sketched on my mind were me, living in a studio apartment located in a middle of a busy world-famous metropolitan city, working on my dream job, having a jaw-dropping handsome boyfriend, both of my hands holding a numerous number of designers shopping bags, Christian Louboutin wrapping my ankle, silky hair that follow the direction of the wind, Ray Ban shades covered my eyes, Tiffany chain as my accesories , Versacé dress and Chanel bag that complete my vogue look. This was my definition of achieving dream. Once. All these imaginations of dream life are influenced by chick-lit novels.the only genre that be my favourite.
When i am about to give up, i think again on the purpose how this game started. I think again, after so long of holding on the pains, why i cant just continue it? If there are a lot of reasons why i should give up, i bet there also PLENTY of reasons why i shouldnt give up.
I give up now, i may get nothing but regrets. All the pains i hold before were not paid off. A vivid imagination suddenly came to my mind. The day, when everyone cheering on their success, i dont want me, myself disguise nobody but me for not playing the remaining game. I dont want my knees meeting the earth , my hands covered my face as a sign of shame; shame to face the whole world for be such a failure. I dont want when the day come, my eyes cant stop from flowing with water as an immediate response to my failure. For Allah's sake, please dont make it happen. Amin.
As a final conclusion, this is the game we have to play; willing or not willing thats not the point because we have no choice. Make every moment of your life precious. Dont lose to the game because all of us are born as a winner. Prove to the world that you are a winner and a winner never quit. Even if you fail sometimes, dont make it as a reason to stop trying because when you fail, thats not the end of the game; same as when you win amid the game, there are always a next stage you have to go through. Take every mistake of your life as an oppurtunity for you to be a better person in future. Never regrets on anything because time you spent regretting are better filled with something that can give you advantage in future life.
1. I'm writing this post without any actual purpose, I probably just gonna spill whatever matters that maybe really matter or maybe just another crap ( like my usual posts).
Lately my life was hectic. Love to say, I am busy. Busy with my school projects ; my accounting folio and my add maths project. I love being busy, at the same time I like to procrastinate on things. Irony? Praise be to Allah, i managed to finish all the projects, even though not precisely on the dateline!
2. 20th August 2014
The first day of trial exam. I have to give all out. Can we please not say about this significant thing because i am too scared. Scared to death. This trial exam is so important. All the applications for further studies require trial's result. I have to at least get 6 As out of 10. I have no other choice except for burning the midnight oil everyday starting today.
3. 7th Ramadhan.
Seven days away, I finally can start my fasting routine today. I felt so left away. This remaining 23 days, I promise to myself to double up my ibadah , recite the holy Quran as much as I can and be a better person.