Friday, August 29, 2014

Not a good one

You know what? 

As I grow older, of course I've learnt a lot. 

From mistakes I made.
From people I met.
From unwanted circumstances
From books I read. 
From movies I watched.

Basically, everything happened to me had at least something to teach me lessons. If I'm lucky enough, I learnt, if I'm not, its just gonna be a piece of memory. 

I also learn to not judge quickly. Now, before I started to judge, I'll try my best to figure out WHY is that unwanted issues popping up before shallowly throw my trashy opinions and talks. I will always try to put myself in their shoes first.

Obviously, I'm not a good person but I do try. Sometimes we just cant get over ourselves; sometimes its hard to control the bad-temperaments that used to be our routines. What else we can do to put ourselves in higher hieracy in the society except for improving ourselves to a better version. One does not has to transform drastically to be a better person because I'm afraid its not be continuous. In order to change to a better person, we have to transform little by little. 

Nothings wrong about taking a drastic change, but can you afford it? 

Judging too quick somehow shows how ignorant you are towards yr surroundings. 


You never realized.

Thats what i used to experienced.

I judge way too quick. I spread unclear rumours for the sake for getting attention, liked and accepted. For the sake to be someone's first source- gossip source. I consider myself lucky if the unclear rumours i spread are true. But when the things turn upside down, i get humiliated and looked so stupid. 

Until now, i still dont get it, what is the significant of spreading false unrealistic news? Like the rumours made by irresponsible people who spread about ebola disease in Malaysia. 

And when the news reach to the crowd, everyone wants to spread the same things. They spread news that they dont even know whether it is true or not. 

But i dont blame them. Maybe they feel pleasure when they did that. 

Eh wait!

I just promised to not judge quickly 

and i just did! 

Ha ha


No intention to let anyone feeling down (my self included), but i really find this statement is true. 

I dont need any supportive word for this like 
"Undeniably true"
"So relatabily true"
"So damn it true"

No, i dont need that.

This statement made by Pistol Gang Pazzy ( who i cant tell who, i found this when i was stalking a girl who i never know her existence, either she doesnt know i really exist :p It was just a random person I stalked. Dont judge me like you never did it haha) is TRUE.


Unexpected movie night ft mommatha 1/2 way

I literally hate to write whatever I'm gonna write for this post. Its 1.45 am and on 7.50 am i got my maths 2 paper and you guess it right, im not finish with my revision yet.

Just finished with an unexpected movie night. And its a hindi movie , Rabne Bana Di Jodi (jodoh di tangan tuhan or smtg liddat). 


*take a deep breath*


*take an extravagant deep breath*

I'm crying.

Lol metaphor! Actually I'm FEELING. I do FEEL like crying but I AM NOT!

Actually i dont want to write here but then i am way too lazy to search for my notebook and express there (blatantly i can be super duper honest there, so tht i dont hv to filter my words; vulgar words, vomitable jiwang words , etc)



I need Surinder!

But he is too good to be true.

Unless you are as pretty as Tanni.

And before I forgot


So watch out GUYS and girls.

I dont know
I hit the 'enter' a lot today
A    L O T

Okay bye 
Gonna dreaming about surinder aka raj aka srk

I am insane today
Or perhaps the days i'm being sane is countable
Who cares?!

Its an uhmahzing fact
I wanted to share

Guess who didnt had her dinner tonight?!

(Wtv yr answer)


Bobby ji 

Sunday, August 24, 2014


As far as I'm concerned, I always try to avoid writing anything sensitive. Even though I don't have any viewers/readers, I still don't have a courage to write anything sensitive especially in politics and religious talk. 

Which turnt my blog into an entire typical yet emotional of teenage girls lives who like to complaint upon everything and getting sad for irrelevant reasons which are disgusting sometimes because there are so much things that are fun to do yet teenage girls still choose to be sad instead of enjoying life to the fullest.

Or is that just me?

For the first time ((hmm maybe I used to write about it but I couldn't remember because well for this time beings I found that I love sour food so much, and it is not good and I also found that I am being more forgetful since then)), I would like to write something I feel. Prolly I'm going to delete it soon because I am afraid if this got critical comments and I don't have courage anymore to live in this world when everyone against me because honestly I am coward. No matter how much I showered myself with motivational quotes about being brave and never think what people are going to say about me, I still found it doesn't work on me because I am coward and rather live in my so-called world where I can be anything I want. I am phychopath. Bipolar . And anything that carries the same meaning.


I always find that life is unfair.

The end.


Hahahaha. I am funny right?!

Okay no, I am annoying.


Saturday, August 23, 2014


I used to say I am regret for every oppurtunity that I had not taken even when it lies perfectly in front of me.

I forgot.

I was in a war back then.

War with myself.
War with the emotional part of me.
War with the sad version of me that growing inside of me and really wants to show up everyday.

I didn't take the oppurtunity because I'm not feeling well.
I'm in grief.
No one can understand
Even I myself can never understand myself
Its a big WOW if one day you claimed that you know me really well because honestly I dont know myself

Please tell me 

who am I actually?

Friday, August 22, 2014


I was tidying up my room a lil bit just now. Whilst did that, then I found an old Barbie doll of mine - the only Barbie doll left after my mom donated all of them to my lil cousins. And I used to hate my mom for letting go all my childhood friends to my insignificant cousins who can never tell the precious of Barbie doll. It made my blood pressure getting higher circulating to every of my vein when all the lil cousins thanked me for giving them "patung perempuan"  which blatantly referred to my Barbie dolls. 

I was so bad-tempered.

And bad- hearted.

People say Barbie is so fake. It gave you false hope that when you grew up, you are going to be a very beautiful woman - just like Barbie. Barbie is so kind-hearted and very closed to perfect- they handled every problem they faced professionally , unlike what happened to me now. Its not how I cant handle the hardest problem in my life, I cant even handle my current living! 

Why I cant be like barbie?
A pair of aqua blue eyes with a very long (false) lashes
Blue eyeshadows rest perfectly on her eyelids
Red lipliner with pink shades of lipgloss seems so not wrong when Barbie wore it
A pair of longs legs with a huge gap between each leg
A tanned Barbie

Why I am not Barbie?
Who can easily identifying goods from bad
Who can wear anything I want without worrying how to cover all the unhidable fats
Who doesn't have to dizzying around on what I should I do to my hair everytime I wanted to go out

Why I am not being my own Barbie?
When I know I can
Without worrying others perception towards me because what they think about me reflects who they are
Why cant I love myself, just like how Barbie loves herself - that is the major reason that made Barbie a Barbie

Funny when the immature 7 year old me thought that herself gonna grow up becoming her own version of Barbie. In the next 10 years, she would at least has a similarity with her idol - Barbie.

Ruefully, all her perceptions fade. Her after-10-years life is nothing more than a life full with shits and miseries. 

I'm sorry for myself.

I upset myself.


I can never forgive myself for that.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Vienna - Billy Joel

If you know me in person, I bet you know that I love to watch my favourite movies repeatedly. As an example, I rewatched Titanic today. For the 20+ times :p. I don't know I just can't over Titanic. Whenever I was scrolling all over the TV guide and saw Titanic, I'm getting ecstatic like I never watch that great movie before. Oh my love towards Titanic is so unbearable. I love every single thing about that movie and I just don't know why.

The last time I watched 13 going to 30 was about a year ago. I kinda love that movie as well. Oh gosh Mark Ruffalo was so hot back then! Even my sister said so! After these while, she always said that I had such a bad taste when it comes to men. For example, I found Chris Pine is undebiably hot and cute and sexy , then she insulted me and said that I don't have good taste ! Oink oink !

Lets go the the prime purpose I wrote this post when I actually should studying for my English paper tomorrow. 

My current fav song is Vienna by Billy Joel. This is one of the songs from 13 going to 30. I followed the 13 going to 30 playlist on Spotify and got attached to this song. I enjoyed the lyrics more than I should. Perhaps I can relate myself to the lyrics. And somehow it woke me up from my undestined dreams!

Vienna - Billy Joel

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me,
Why are you still so afraid? (mmmmm)

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day (Ay)

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through (Oooh)
When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)

Too bad, but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right (you're right)

You got your passion, you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true (Oooh)
When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two (oooh)
When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

And you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through (oooh)
Why don't you realize... Vienna waits for you?

When will you realize... Vienna waits for you?

Sunday, August 17, 2014


"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail"

Just feel like sharing this quote.

Time management is very important in order to achieve success. 


Saturday, August 16, 2014


"You may not be there yet, but you're closer than you were today."

Is it appropriate for me to ask you , what the first thing popped up in your mind when you read quote above?

The first thing that popped up in my mind was success. Success need a consistent effort. At first I thought the quote above was just another motivation quote; a catalyst for me to work aggresive for the sake of 10As in SPM.


I realized, I was too worldly-minded. I tend to forget that there's another 'world' besides this world. 

Literal meaning of this quote is reminding you about death. Everyday you wake up for a new day, you are stepping closer to death. 

Remember that the probabilty for you to succeed is always 1/2. But death, its a mandatory. Even when you don't want to die, you have no other option. Its a human nature. Not everyone of us will success but everyone of us will die. 

Its just a friendly reminder for us. No matter how busy you chase your dreams, how hard you try, how rich you are, how perfect your life is, never ever forget death. 

I once watched a Malay movie tittled "Syurga Cinta". It was a good movie. The movie taught me that , if we are afraid of death, there's imaan in our heart. 

So what's about you? Did death scared you? Perhaps so.

I am nobody. I don't have any rights to say anything when it comes to such issues. I'm a sinner. I'm not a good muslimah. Sadly to say, i havent even tried to be one. I take everything easily. I'm not responsible at all. My life is like purposeless sometimes. 

I do cry and cry and cry. That's the only think i did when i saw people clinging over their success towards everything they took part in. My mindset said i cant do anything. My poor mindset affects everything in my life now. People said our mind and heart define who we truly are. If you want to change yourself, first thing you have to do is reset your mind; an everything will change the way you wanted it to be. But, have anyone told you on how hard it is to reset your mind and leave apart all the old habits that are our routines. It is hard. Not everyone can do it. I've tried. And I fell in the midst of doing that and started my life with the same old habits of mind. 

Today is my first day of my 17 phase of life. Before yesterday, I was <16. Now I'm 17. May all the immatures part of me disappear. I want my 17 phase be my new beginning. 

Nothing is too late right?

I realized I've hold so much. Maybe if I wrote up all those lil things that made me learnt more about life, all of you would think thats a very small matter. Maybe you would think that i was just exaggerating over the smallest things ever. 


Sometimes, all those small matters affected us the most. 

By the day i turnt 17, i started to appreciate these little things. You don't have any ideas on the power of small matters. 

I learnt to not think what people think about me. I learnt that i am Beyoncè (( a lil joke doesnt affect the seriousity of this post right? Hehe)).

I learnt to not laugh at people's endeavour to make others happy. 

I learnt that lucky charm never exist.

I learnt that life is not life without ups and downs.

I learnt that money are our new god.

I learnt that love cant stop make people ignore money.

I learnt that nothing's perfect.

I learnt that no one can control their feelings. 

I learnt that the best companion is no other , Allah the Almighty.

I learnt that I am so lucky to be bornt.

Friday, August 15, 2014


I'm touched. After so many mistakes I did, voluntary or non-voluntary , there's still my family and friends whom can accept me. Accept all my flaws. Forgive me on every word I said to them. 

I know my words are hurtful most of the time. I do talk nonsense. I'm sorry, I've tried to control myself but every effort I took met to a deadlock. 

From the deepest of my heart, I would like to apologize to everyone I hurt. I didn't really meant to hurt you.

I appreciate every single thing of my life now. To live in this type of circumstance is the best thing ever happened in my life. Having a chance to be surrounded with all my family members, close friends, friends, relatives and acquaintances are the most wonderful event in my life. Every one of you had taught me at least a thing, keeping me up throughout my journey of life. Whether you realized or not, all of you are significance in my life. Variety in temperaments of all of you made me understand more about life. All those lil things all of you ever did to me are irreplaceable.

I cant put in words on how much I appreciate my life. 

I learnt that it is normal to feel sad sometimes. I must run out from the thought of life is just about being happy and enjoy. I forgot that life is not life without ups and downs. 

Finally, on my 17th birthday I started to realize to the beauty of life.

Happy 17 dear me! :)

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Behind a mask of mediocrity

"We lie ourselves when we play small in our lives, when we play it safe by settling less than we know we can be and have. We end up hiding our dreams and aspirations behind a mask of mediocrity, people pleasing and conformity"

- Lisa Nichols 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Bila Tiba by Ungu

This song is so meaningful. 
I couldn't stop from hitting the replay button
The lyrics are so deep
And somehow reminds me of death

Death, something everyone of us will experience. 

"Not everyone of us is literally experienced life, but everyone of us will experience death"

I'm afraid.
I'm scared.
I'm a sinner and I demand heaven yet at the same time I also know I don't belong there.

I've tried.

I know I'm wrong.
I will always try to be a better me.

Lirik Lagu Bila Tiba - Ungu

Saat tiba nafas di ujung hela
Mata tinggi tak sanggup bicara
Mulut terkunci tanpa suara

Bila tiba saat berganti dunia
Alam yang sangat jauh berbeda
Siapkah kita menjawab semua

Bila nafas akhir berhenti sudah
Jatung hatipun tak berdaya
Hanya menangis tanpa suara

Mati tak bisa untuk kau hindari
Tak mungkin bisa engkau lari
Ajalmu pasti menghampiri

Mati tinggal menunggu saat nanti
Kemana kita bisa lari
Kita pastikan mengalami

Mati tak bisa untuk kau hindari
Tak mungkin bisa engkau lari
Ajalmu pasti menghampiri

Mati tinggal menunggu saat nanti
Kemana kita bisa lari
Kita pastikan mengalami


1.40 am

Purpose of living : 3 days left till my 17th birthday, 8 days till SPM trial and 85 more days until SPM.

Actual purpose drinking coffee ((its latte caramel from Nescafé, omg it tastes gooooooood)) : burning the midnight oil for studies

What I did : Suddenly I sang andai ku tahu from Ungu and craving to listen to that song. 

Then I opened Spotify, full of angst because Spotify doesnt hv tht song. To convince myself, I (un)intentionally made my very own playlist; playlist full with songs i grew up with. Blatantly i didnt listen to english songs back then, that playlist i created on spotify only consists of malay and indo songs. 

Research showed that songs bring memories. 

In my case, it does!

And that one song which successly drag out my memories from my good old days is this one song by Acha Septriasa but I couldnt recall what the title is ha ha. Hmm if im not mistaken , its something like aku tak bisa utk mengatakan aku jatuh cinta~. 

Hey chill! I bet most of people dont know this song bcs as what i remember, this song is not commercialised. I fancy with this song through the album. Woah how old school I was back then haha. 

I just googled the lyrics on google and i found out that the title for this song is Sampai Menutup Mata.

I remember when my sister and i were fangirling over irwansyah and raffi ahmad. They are indonesian actors. And a movie tittled Heart. 

Okay THAT MOVIE WAS A PHENOMENON. My classmates and I were choir-ing tht song during one special occassion at school which i couldnt remember what occasion is that but what fresh in my mind is all 40 of us standing on the stage, singing that song ha ha ha. What a crap! 

Source : google

And we were allowed to wear anything casual. I still remember that i wore a white shirt and light pink jeans WHILE EVERYONE ELSE WAS WEARING BAJU KURUNG WITH KASUT SEKOLAH. And i wore bata shoes. 

Consequencely, i got bullied. in bus.

I was called non-muslim just because i wore pink jeans at school while everyone else wore baju kurung.

Ha ha.


Monday, August 11, 2014

Before its too late

Trust me love, everyone of us has a potential. Just take time to find yours.

 One day we will regret for not taking chance served for us. 

Never is too late.

Believe me, in whatever state you are in now, that is the best state arranged for you by the Almighty. Don't questioned it! You are meant to be what you meant now.

All the benevolents you did will be paid one day. Don't make things with a mountain hope; hoping for an instant reciprocate. The time will come, we all just have to wait. Matters now, don't wait foolishly, do more good things! If you cant, then start on counting all your blessings. Perhaps you will start to appreciate everything about you.

You are lucky. Not to mention, much luckier than most of your peers around the world.

As a human, its really hard for someone to fully appreciate their life. If you be one, you are out of mediocre. 
Then, be one.

Before its too late.


Sunday, August 10, 2014

I am strong!

I am pathetic! No one said so, perhaps not directly to me but I know I am pathetic. I feel pathetic. I feel empty. Emptiness taking over me since few months ago. I don't know what I've done wrong. Everything turns to a whole disaster when it comes to me. 

I'm a sinner. I know I'm a sinner. I don't need anyone to come , meet me and saying I'm not a sinner because I know its all a lie. 

I'm a hater. And I visibly know that hater gonna hate. 

Everything is so messed up.

My life is serabut.

I hate to admit it but I need a new life. New circumstance. New country. New people to meet. I know that I supposed to not say it because it will never happened. Even when its happen one day, I am pretty sure I will response with "I miss my old life".

If only I could turnt back time, I promise I will not choose what I've chose. I will not 
come by the path I already passed now. It's hurt. I don't know what I'm not happy about but all I know is I'm not whole-heartedly happy. 

If only I could turnt back time, I promise to treat people nicely ; no matter how I dislike them for no valid reason. I promise to take every oppurtunity served in front of me once. I promise to not be annoying as how I am now. I promise to read more books. I promise to not raise my voice to anyone. I promise I will sit in front of the laptop for hours, doing insignificant things that slowly ruined my life and turnt be to a whole disgusting creature. 

I promise I will not be ignorant as I used to be.

Now, I have to pay the price for every mistake I've done ; intentionally or unintentionally. I have to continue my life,
swallow the bitter pill called reality.


I also need to remember that nothings too late. I'm only 16, by mean, I'm turning 17 next 15th August. My journey is still long. I supposed to not gave up and lose to life.

I must be strong! 

I can be strong!

I am strong!



Saturday, August 9, 2014

When I should study

I should study right now but 

1. I feel lazy.

2. I feel empty.

3. My country's hot.

4. I don't know what to study since theres a lot of topics need to be covered , well the right sentence is I don't know where to start.

5. I'm hooking all over internet , opening every single app in my phone, searching for my long-lost-almost-extinct motivations. 

6. I am broke. I feel like a total beggar , waiting food from soup kitchen, dirty cloth, sloppy appearance what differ is I am terribly fat.

7. I am penniless.

8. I need money to buy new handbag, I want to reshop my wardrobe and I need a dozen of new lipsticks.

9. I want my remaining money to start having intercourse and produce more money, double and double and double.

10. I'm searching for a brain arithmetic game which I couldn't recall what the name of the game. 

11. I have a major crush on one the geniuses at my school. He's cute!!

12. I tried to be funny , instead, I was being annoying.

13. I'm not trying to be silly by sounded like can't pronounce letter 'S' properly, but I think i lost the ability to pronounce 'S' properly. Some people sounded so cute with that speech deflect thick layered their tongue, but I sounded like a donkey. Frankly speak, retard donkey. What a life. Prolly because I ate too much spicy food during Raya. ((is that counted ?!))

14. So much things dancing in my mind now. For example, 

15. My thigh is shaking, I bet my chunky thigh just met another layer of fat resulted on my unconscious eating schedule, well its raya. I think I should declare that the entire Raya month would be my cheat month (( haha everyday in my life is cheat day! Yay, welcome to my cheat year. or perhaps cheat life!))

16. I got an invitation to my classmate's open house tomorrow but I have nothing to wear. I don't want to get embarrassed ((all over again)) by dressing up like a beggar with uneven eyebrows. So I decided to not go. Then, I felt guilty ((and be deadly jealous when I saw picture of my friends who went there)).

17. I'm not happy with my new toothbrush. Its the charcoal one from colgate. My bad for buying ultra soft toothbrush with the pack of three, and now both of my mother and brother suffered the same uneasy mornings with ultra soft toothbrush.

18. My family was planning for a vacation to Indonesia. I was ecstatic! until my mom told me they wanted to go it during Raya Haji which I can't join them because I NEED TO STUDY FOR SPM. What an injustice life.

19. I couldn't help myself from not remembering yesterday's incident. It all happened when my english teacher wasnt around, i was happy so I did some simple dance step at my place. Hell yeah it was fun and funny. I was enjoying myself.... until someone saw it and imitated me infront of the class. Haih. If only I could turn back time!

I should stop now because OUT OF A SUDDEN I FEEL LIKE STUDYING . veRy raRe.



You are special

" A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20?"
Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you - but first, let me do this."
He proceeded to crumple the 20 dollar note. He then asked, " Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he then replied, "What if I do this?" He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty, "Now, who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends , you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. 
Dirt or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or who we know, but by ... WHO WE ARE.

You are special - don't ever forget it."

Saturday, August 2, 2014

I'm sorry

I'm sorry for knowing all your sorrows, but I couldn't help

I'm sorry for all cores in your life 

I'm sorry if you search for me to throw all those little things that matters to you

Pardon me for not making any quests to help you

I'm sorry if your longevity filled with griefs resulted on my ignorance, my angst towards you and annoyance I showed when you need me

I'm sorry for pointing my fingers to you, blaming all the disasters happened to us because of you. 

Definitely, I'm wrong.

And I admit.

I'm sorry for making you high with all hopes I fed on you, I'm afraid all of that are just our sweet reveries.

I'm sorry for not doing my best, relying on a stupid reason that you dont deserve my best because you are not my best.

I'm stupid and reckless for not realizing that you've done your best.

I oathed to myself , I can never get any better other than you.

You are my best. The most wonderful thing ever happened in my life, my forever non-current asset, I will never exchange you even when the whole world forced me to.

I'm afraid to tell you. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my precious creature.

But whether you realize or not, you are still my number one . Forever and always.

I love you mom

Friday, August 1, 2014

8 months

8 months ago, I woke with a new spirit. A spirit that I believed if I continue throughout the year will lead to my dream life. 

Right now, I lost the sight of being what I wanted to be. I am still the same person i disguise. 

But then, theres always a hope. Theres always time. Theres always room for me. 

Yours truly,