But you are uninvited despite you cross my mind every day, every hour and almost every minute. When i look at things around me, theres always you that come to my mind. Every thing i did, it just reminded me of you. You know what? Its hard.
I hate you.
I wish i know how. I wish i one day i can really say it with the real mean.
Its been past a month we started distance each other. Correction.
Its been past a month I started distance myself from you.
Its all because i was stupid. I assume without asking you. I made my own decision without anyone's piece of 2 cents. I thought i was clever. I thought i can handle this relying on a crucial truth that you have nothing to do with my dream list. But still, this stubborn heart wants you. This stubborn heart melts everytime you pour sweet words. This rebel heart couldn't afford it when you entertained me. You made me happy. You made my heart happy. You turn a tough girl version of me into an extra-clingy bitch. You carressed my heart.
You made me suffer a lot.
I hate you.
I don't want all these. I don't want you. But i need you. I need you to see me being a successful Allah's slave. I need you to witness me grow from a hopeless kid (you called me kid) into a responsible woman. I need us to face life challenges together. I need all your opinions and advices.
On the other hand, i want you. I want you so bad. I want a goodnight text from you. I want to share my everyday occurences with you. I want to know you deeper. I want us. I want to be the one who lend you shoulder to cry. I want to be with you even when i know how annoying and inappropriate you are. Honestly you're not my type. but i want you.
Even when i know its impossible since day one. You're not mine. You're someone's. You got plenty of responsibilities. You're dealing with a heavy problem.
I hate you.
All those memories we created. How understanding you were. How gentle. For weeks, I'd tried to block out the specific memories. Regardless one time I was living there. I want to erase everything as i couldn't afford this misery anymore. It somehow killing me. Every single detail i knew about you were locked inside. Locked. You have the key. You keep the key.
I hate you.
Because i do care. I still do. I wonder what are you doing right now. Have you eat?
To one and only Nur Izz Hanani binti Zarim Hazmalee. Idk tonight i was delighted for her existence. She always be there for me during my lowest lows but i tend to forget her when i wasnt in grief. Shes my real definition of kawan bila susah cuz honestly i only search for her when i was sad. How ruthless i am.
I do apologize for only find for her when i have problems but she said its okay, she felt valued even more. She so happy bcs i found for her as she thought she was someone reliable. Quite perasan. But yes thats a total true. Mmg reliable nak mati ah cerita dia. Someone who will always support me take care of my feelings as my feelings are diamond in the sky (lol does sky has diamond BLAME RIHANNA EVERYONE)
Someone who can layan me. Someone who laugh out loud at
my hambar lame jokes. As an instance, when i told others on my "setandan pisang" joke, they were just gave a sigh regarding my joke. Just to be polite. But when i told izz the same exact thing i told to others, she WAS LAUGHING HER ass out as i am the funniest joker ever exist on this god's green land, she successly made me perasan that i have that Harith Iskander talent whilst the fact i am not. I copy tht joke from Maharaja Lawak mega 2014 but i do change a bit.
If you are wondering what is "setandan pisang" is all about.
I've been obsessed with the word "setan" lately. Its like you know, mencarut. Since life hit hard like truck this few weeks, i found myself threw vulgar words unlimitedly. Thats not good. Its lowered my standard and made me looked like a cheap bastard. You know words like babi, fuck you, etc. It sounded too harsh. So i substitute it to the word "setan". Setan doesn't sound so bad.
So whenever i feel like slapping anyone right on their face, with the remaining patience in me, i load everything into "EEE SETAN!!!!". Isn't that sound decent?
From that "setan" word that i repeat everyday, every hour, every minute and almost every moment, apparently i got an idea turning it into a pick up line.
"If you're setan then i'm going to be pisang so that we're going to be setandan pisang. Setan -dan - pisang."
Ain't it funny? Hahaha.
Or just another plain lame joke?
Wtvs i get immune to that kahkahkah.
Izz is the only human alive on earth who does compliment me by saying i'm so creative. Mana tak sayang woi. She's the only one who appreciates me and all my jokes. I iz feeling valuable.
Thanks izz. Thanks so much. I lahv u so mucho mucho.
Today is such a sad day. Sobs. But this is 100 happy days challenge right DO I HAVE A CHOICE BESIDES BEING HAPPY. Im not a failure. I'm going to complete thisz challenge kohkohkoh.
i was figuring out for the whole morning, afternoon and evening if anything make me happy but the verdict was no. It such a lonely day.
At night, during teaching my brother and boy next door tuition (apparently i am a tutor haha), i was searching for some teaching material and i found this old script. It was a script of my oral test last year. Hahaha.
I posted it on my whatsapp group involving four of the oral test group members, they were all ecstatic.
When a mysterious young woman named Katie appears in the small North Carolina town of Southport, her sudden arrival raises questions about her past. Beautiful yet self-effacing, Katie seems determined to avoid forming personal ties until a series of events draws her into two reluctant relationships: one with her plainspoken neighbor, Jo; and another with Alex, a widowed store owner with two young children. Katie slowly begins to relax her guard, putting down roots in the community and becoming increasingly attached to Alex and his family.
But even as Katie begins to fall in love, she struggles with the dark secret that still haunts her. With Jo's support, Katie eventually realizes that she must choose between a life of transient safety and one of riskier rewards... and that in the darkest hour, love is the only true safe haven.
I can't remember the last time i forgot to hit the sack due to page-turning session.
But i did for this novel.
I love the story so much. Well its Nicholas Spark, no one expects for an ordinary plain boring story telling work from him.
This book makes me happy and somehow became a good distraction towards escaping my endless problems.
"In life we do things. Some we wish we had never done. Some we wish we could replay in a million times in our heads. But they all make us who we are. And in the end they shape every detail about us. If we were to reverse any of them we wouldn't be the person we are. So just live, make mistakes, have wonderful memories. But never ever does second guess who you are, where you have been, and most importantly where it is you're going."
Obviously, I am jobless right now and don't have any plan on searching for job. I was thinking to have a break for this time being while waiting for any offer on pursuing tertiary education. Gosh just look at my writing skill -..-
Since I do nothing other than eating, sleeping and watching TV, i decided to take this #100HappyDays Challenge.
It's so simple. All you have to do is sharing at least a pic a day on things that make you happy on your preferred social networks. Most of the people who take this challenge use Instagram and Twitter as their platform, but of course this stubborn bobby make her no-followers blog as her platform. Whatever that makes me happy and you can't stop me doing things that makes me happy.
71% people failed this challenge.
Because they do have a packed life schedule ; unlike me. HAHAHA.
So the point is, I am going to post this challenge blatantly here.
Get ready to cope with my annoyingness. kehkehkeh.