Showing posts with label Self-express. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-express. Show all posts

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Let's choose to ignore!

Insecurities. Girls are very insecure, it's like a girl-nature to get insecured in almost everything. My insecurities lead to a series of linked mental-health problems. You know, anxious & bipolar-disorder. My insecurities is resulted on over-jealousy and over-thinking. I overthink, most of the time. I always wanted to be the best, I want no people beat me in my major. I want to be the best, the only best, the most special human creature every one ever met. I try hard to be that girl. I hate mainstream, except for One Direction. They are the only mainstream I love and honestly there's time I want to not love /like them but I can't. I hate trends because they are mainstream. I don't do ig because well yes

1. I insecure.

2. I don't have a real amazing life to share.

3. I hate mainstream.

4. I hate competition.

This wild guess and the tendency of this guess to be true is about 99.97% to be true, probably the reason why I don't commit in any relationship is because of this negative trait of mine. I am a jealous girl. And insecure. And overthinking. Somehow, I chose to ignore all that and focus more on being a better version of myself cuz if i keep thinking aboot it i'm going to be terribly sad and my bipolar will strike all over again, that's sucks dude! I'm up to no kidding!

Yes, a healthy relationship requires all these all plus and minus. If jealousy is conveyed as love than how about open-mindedness? Less love? and What about over-jealous-towards-every-single-thing-and-every-girl-wants-my-bf?  Over love? Too love? heh. for me it's just a sign of an unstable mind.

Doesn't make any sense!

On the other hand, I myself have to think from another side of the coin. Everyone fights a battle we having no idea about.


I was hired as an actress!

for one of my classmate project.

But nahh, I wasn't born as an actress (well not for an unpopular school project, I was born for Hollywood! ha ha ha). I unmanaged to deliver the simplest lines and laughed all way long. Ah Gawd, he recorded it all my stupid laughs! Bij, don't hit the play and please delete my role! I'm afraid he's going to use it against me to blackmail me when i one day becoming famous.

It's a wrap! 

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

a coward b

Consistency. There's time when I actually can read, study, doing sudoku, watching TBBT and write a post. But, I'm afraid whether can I do the same exact things tomorrow for the sake of consistency. I am a very dependable to an emotion or uncatogarized thing called 'mood' and voluntary. I hate to do things I don't want to do, things I don't give a fuck on, et cetera.


Life is not always going the way you wanted it to be. Plans are somehow just a plain written words on a piece of paper; no any specific meanings, no longer a guide towards a dreamy life. Some circumstances left us no choice except for just go through it.

I actually don't really know what's wrong with me. Me and my engineering course story is like in an endless tale of love-hate relationship. Whenever I faced hardships in studies, I blamed engineering. Whenever I met an un-nice human, I blamed engineering. Whenever I found myself problems ; I blamed you-know-what. It's sometimes not even related to you-know-what.

The first place I took this course is because I think in future I will not regret. It's once a lifetime offer and both my mom and dad were over the moon the day of my UPU result came out. Unable to make them disappointed, I grab this chance. Oh for my goodness sake, am I blaming my parents?

See how coward this B.

May one day, I got back what I missed.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

my ideal kind of date

You guys knew it that I've been struggle with weight issue since I was 10. Before that I had no problems relating with weight issue.

As time pass by, it's really in my mind due to the myth of fiction stories that I will be automatically slim when I grow up.

Supposed, the biggest lie any mankind could ever get,

Worse, I'm getting fatter and fatter.

thank you everyone for the hope without effort @>


Let's get to the main purpose...

My ideal kind of date.

I think it's really cute if one really can accept me for who I really am, this flawful fat B and together we work together for the ideal body.

Only, if that kind of human still exist.

It is so cute!

Imagine your partner accompanied you around & give you the spirit you need.

I really in love with that talking-about-life walk, get to know each other well in an actual meeting, face to face, not just in internet. I don't like that kind of process. Unreal.

But nahh, boys only want you when you are pretty and thin, nothing matters than that.

That's how world works.

Am i right?


Yesterday, my girls and i did some jog session..

cuz balbal got a beep test this upcoming week i guess.

I still wondering why the hell balqis ate nasi lemak at 4.45 pm when she promised herself to jog at 5.30pm. I"VE WARNED HER TO NOT TO but she's bloody hungry and wanted to diet and don't want to eat after 7 pm.

She can't exceed well the jog session BC she's semput and felt like throwing up,

Sharifah Nuraina Syed Nahar has warned you.

the amah that holding our belongings cuz she's not jogging but ended up drank our h20.
potong gaji


the struggle is real

'bobby junior' - amah, 2015

Monday, July 20, 2015

random b

1. Which one is worse, to wait for something unsure or to express then broke our fragile heart?

2. " And in the end, we were all just humans..drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." - F.Scott Fitzgerald

3. Don't confuse busy and productivity- we are all busy dealing life but not all achieve productivity.

4. Arguments less occur when girl not interested.

5. Coffee shops/ cafe are where people discuss business and life.

6. Leopard printed shawl I bought last week is now my favorite shawl- blame Dewi Yusra.

7. Normal 4 hrs of download turning into 1 minute when you are using UMP's internet (( not every time))

8. Be a calmer girl ; idiolize Kyra.

9. To not share any unsure occurence with anyone. or even share good news with others. Not everyone has heart as you.

10. You'll look classier when you reduce joking ((correspond fun)). Conclusion : The classier you be, the less fun in you.

Its like

Choose one

A. Classy
B. Jovial

11. Not to annoy people with phone calls ; you can simply know how important you are then.

12. Don't beg people.

13. Be true to yourself.

14, Don't laugh while talking.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Lying and other problems

I am tired of lying. Lying to myself that everything will be alright. Lying to myself , saying that i am tough when i know that im not. Lying that i am actually is a brilliant one, i am just lazy. Lying to people, show to the world how happy and problem-free i am. Lying that im so fine when im actually not. 

How funny.

I do lying to myself to do this and that in order to achieve my seems-impossible-to-achieve-dreams. 

Maybe its just another stage that i have to pass through in order to be a better person. Maybe.

I really need someone that i can spill out everything. Without judging how ludicrous i can be. Without correcting me even though i am clearly wrong. Its not that i am always right, i do know i am wrong. I do know. I just knew it. I know. 

I am so complicated. I described myself as a complicated since i dont know what i want, what i want to be, everything about me is just something i cant describe. To me, i am complicated. I never know what you think about me, it is better for me not to know. If i know i might hate you because possibly 99% who knew me in personal dont like me so much. They keep pretending like they do like, but i know they dont like as much as they try to show they like. Ironically, even i knew it , i dont make any drastic transformation to be a better person. I may be accepted but not liked. Or maybe to the world, i am just another typical girl with her typical problems. Perhaps im not one of them. Being typical is what i want to get rid of. 

If only someone come to me someday and say they hate me, i probably will respond with something like "Great to know! I hate myself either!" With a very "cheerful" face paste on. 

Is the whole world is hypocrite or am i the only one? If byfar i am hypocrite, then what the unhypocrite version of me would be?

Since i am not nice in reality, did my other version of me is a very nice one? Astonishing!

Being a writer is my current passion. I do change my passion every month or maybe every week or day or hour or minute. When i looked at my reflection, i laughed. How funny someone could be. 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Growing up

This stage of life. Between dreams and reality. Two whole different worlds. Hope and wish. Keep telling myself that everything is going to be alright. The dreams and ambitions. To be someone respectful, successful and get out of this kind of life. Lie. World is a lie. Everything in it is a lie. People lie. Relationship with the Almighty is getting loose. Perhaps I can do something to make things better. PERHAPS.

Fairytales. When you grow up, you are going to be a beautiful young lady, holding a degree. Your primce charming will come somehow bring you a bouquet of flowers with a note sound , " Have a nice day my beautiful lover". Epic.

If I were given an oppurtunity to give an advice to the kids, I will say , "Dont ever wish to grow up". Spoil? Yeap. I have to tell them the true. Not a fancy one. I will ban all Disney movies that spoilt our kids by believing in happy ending. That spoilt me personally.

Growing up sucks.

201 more days till SPM.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Little talk

Right now, something is disturbing my mind. I bet everyone had exposed to something like 'be yourself'. Eh wait. I think i already talk about this before but whatever. 

When i be myself people judge. Worsen , they hate me. When im not being myself , they say i am fake. They ask why i look different, whats wrong with me, etc. Sometimes i dont give a fck because i do hate myself as well. But it not as easy as it look, i say i dont care but deep inside i do. I can hate myself but you cant. Its not as harsh as that. But urghh i just dont know how to tell!! Sometimes i do wish everyone to not care about me and leave me alone but i want people to care. Complicated as hell. 

Everyday, before i start my day i do wish to change and be someone better but the surrounding wont let me did it. How i wish i can travel to anywhere i want, meet different people everyday so that i can do whatever i want without anyone comparing who i was before to who i am now. My life is narrow. I dont meet a lot of people. I dont travel a lot. I dont exposed to many places before. I dont live in many surroundings. And i dont read so many books before.

When talk about future, it scares me much more.